There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
