Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
