I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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