I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
