and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
