On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Randomize
