Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
