omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He shit in the fireplace
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
