Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
