when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
