I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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