Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
