I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize