I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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