Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
