I need to stop coming to work sober
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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