There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
