I seem to have left my pride at pride
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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