If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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