yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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