And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
