Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Terrible idea I love it
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
