I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
