I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
