this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
