Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
