Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We left the knife in your bed.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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