Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
