dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
