i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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