I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
