I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
