I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
