she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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