Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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