I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
