even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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