I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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