that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
