I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
