My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
