My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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