It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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