4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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