i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
