Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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