Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
