Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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