Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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