I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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