He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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