Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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