Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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