I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
