I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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