I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
