my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
True college students do jello shots in the library
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
