why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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