Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
