can we get nightvision for the apartment?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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