Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
