There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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